Mixed Sex Jokes - Page 2

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee."It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.And so it was. And it was...well, good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end.""That, son is the tail.""No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question."Daddy, what is that long thing?""That's the trunk, son," replies the father."No at the other end.""Oh, that is the tail.""No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation."That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."Adam says, "That sounds great."God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women. An old friend sees him and says, "Georgie, you look great...you're beautiful!"Georgie says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt." His friend says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."His friend says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."His friend says, "Then what did hurt?"Georgie says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he had done. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS.""What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?""Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork."Who are you?" he asked."I'm the Devil," she responded."Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action."She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes."What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!""I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?""Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".

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