Mixed Sex Jokes

John receives a phone call."Hello," he answers.The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?""My dog bit her and she died."Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"To which the man replied, "Get in line."

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."The crowd cheered.The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."The crowd cheered.The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" e suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?""Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on."Now would you put on my pants?" he asks."Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says."Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks."Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

A little kid comes running into the backyard.He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!""Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers." Hi, is Tony home?"" No, he went to the store.""Well, you mind if I wait?"" No, come in."They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You fail."The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "You fail."So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet."Are you hurt?" he asked."Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die"."First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.""Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?""You're going to die," she replied.

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