Quick Jokes

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits the windscreen ?
It's arse.

How do you define marriage ?
A very expensive way to get the laundry done.

Why do policeman have bigger balls than firemen ?
They sell more tickets.

How do you make a bunch of old ladies shout "fuck" ?
Shout "BINGO"

Why does a prostitute earn more money than a drug dealer ?
'Cos she can wash her crack and sell it again

How can you turn a duck into a soul singer ?
Put it in the microwave till its bill withers.

How do you reunite The Beatles ?
Three more bullets.

What's the difference between Hitler and Alex Ferguson ?
Both wasted millions but Hitler got further into Europe.

What's invisible and smells of dog food ?
A pensioners fart.

What do you get if you cross a Pit Bull Terrier with Lassie ?
A dog that will rip off both your arms then run for help.

Why do seagulls have wings ?
So they can beat New-Age Travellers to the rubbish tips.

Why don't blind people ski jump ?
Because it scares the shit out the guide dogs.

Isn't it a pity that the only people that know how to run the country are either cutting hair or driving taxi's !!!

Did you hear about the Irish fox that caught it's paw in a trap ?
It gnawed off three of its feet before it freed itself.

What's seven inches long and begins with a "P" ?
A shit.

What's got a big stomach and lives in the Himalayas ?
The Abdominal Snowman.

What's the difference between cheese and men ?
Cheese matures.

Why do farts smell ?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Dolphins really are intelligent. After only two weeks in captivity they can teach Americans to stand on the edge of their pools and throw them fish.

A man walks into a chip shop and orders fish and chips twice. The shop owner says "i heard you the first time".

What's brown and smells of pine ?
A turd in a radox bath.

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled ?
If they were small, round and white they'd be aspirins.

What is a clunt ?
A man who runs out of a Chinese takeaway without paying.

How do you know you've passed an elephant ?
You cant close the toilet lid ?

A down and out approached a well-dressed bloke. "Ten pence for a cup of tea guv?" he asked.
The bloke gave him the money and after waiting for five minutes said, "So where's my cup of tea then ?".

A highly excited man rang up for an ambulance. "quickly, come quickly," he shouted, "my wife's about to have a baby."
"Is this her first baby ?" asked the operator.
"No, you fool," came the reply, "it's her husband."

What is there in common between a passionate kiss and a spider?
Both lead to the undoing of the fly.

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say?
I saw that one coming.

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
To get better traction in the mud.

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