One Liners

There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you are broke

I told the doctor i broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places

How can you be over the hill if yiou never got to the top?

Have you ever stopped to think then forgotten to start again?

I have been happily married for four years - three different times

Sure you cant take it with you but you can stash it where no other bastard can find it.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

Why is it when you talk to God you are praying but when he talks to you, you're crazy?

Old age is inevitable, growing up is optional

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing everybody that opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos ... then you probably haven't understood the whole situation.

Doing the job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen times gives you job security.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself.

Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

You cannot make someone fall in love with you - All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Life not only begins at forty but it begins to show.

Don't you hate it when you are in court and the low life scum who beat you up and robbed you is refereed to as a gentleman?

Clones are people two

As I said before I never repeat myself.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get stuck in jet engines.

Dont hit a man with glasses - use your fist.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Give a man a free hand and he will run it all over you

When I'm not in my right mind - my left mind gets pretty crowded

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured spot remover on my dog - now he's gone

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

How can you tell when you run out of invisable ink?

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humour.

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

So what's the speed of dark?

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