Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls
five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there
a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says,
``Dammit, I said UP.''
An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl
to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do
you like your eggs in the morning?" Girl says,
"Unfertilized. Beat it!"
Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to
the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas
with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm
sorry we don't serve food."
This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile
and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next
to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender
"I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the
crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."
The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible;
I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"
And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is
a ventriloquist."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips
it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar
and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman
who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano
player. The man walks over to the piana player and
says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my
beer." The pianist replies "No, but if
you hum it I'll play it."
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night,
staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's
ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of
him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you
get into those pants?". The young woman looks
him over and replies: "Well, you could start
by buying me a drink..."
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort
of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in
her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick
black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she
raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another
drink. This goes on all night. The other people
in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises
her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at
the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey,
I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The
bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina.
What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The
drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg
that high HAS to be a ballerina!"
A sea anemone floats into a bar and says to the
bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that
man in the corner." The bartender takes the
drink to the man in the corner and says, "This
is from your friend over there." The man replies,
"With anemone like that, who needs friends?"
A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave
the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to
the other end of the bar to put the money in the
register. The second bartender whispered to the
first, "He's a bear, what does he know, short-change
him." The first bartender brings the bear $10
in change. A little while later the bartender starts
talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't
get many bears in this bar." The bear replies,
"I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't
be back again....
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted
to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for
me and my pal here." Then he turned to his
slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is
a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house
gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back
are free!" "That's not so great, "responded
the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll
match you drink for drink, and you can get laid
in the back for free." "Where is this
place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh,
I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but
my wife goes there all the time."
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