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Drinking Problems
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
beer is unusually
pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another
beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied
to wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in
front of mirror. Drink as
many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open
end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After
a while complain to the
owner about its lack of house training and demand
a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking trough bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another
beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of
jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another
bar. If not, complain
loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles
and flourescent light strip
across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one
is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
you get up, lash yourself
to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette
butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and
wet. You cannot see your
bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are
open yet. If not, treat
yourself to a lie-in
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